Be Mine (English Traslation) 7

Hi guys! This was a particularly hard chapter to write, because is so sad to try to be inside the mind of someone with a broken heart.

I hope you like it and tell me what you think.

Special thanks to my beta sdrlana21, for her effort and patience.

Hugs and all my love

A.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Chapter 7

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out,
Let me out of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out

Roothless tree / Damien Rice

BELLA POV

When I arrived to La Push, my sweet Jake was as usual, waiting for me.

He opened the door of my driver’s side of the truck and enveloped me on a bear hug spinning me around and making me laugh. Jacob always makes me feel welcomed… I wouldn’t want to lose my best friend for any reason… Not even for Paul and the strange things he provokes in me.

Hand in hand (so I didn’t trip in the dark), we walked to the beach, near a huge wall of rock that partially protected us from the icy wind coming from the Pacific Ocean.

Jake´s friends were laughing and eating near the fire (even though we were supposed to eat afterwards), while waiting for the last members of The Council and The Pack. Once they all appeared it was supposed to begin the Story Time.

I couldn’t wait…! That was the moment when I got officially introduced into another impossible world; a world that proved the veracity of the Quileute legends, stories that had been passed orally for who knows how many generations, for centuries! I knew I should be totally focused on the honor that was to be included on the Story Time despite being an outsider, but my mind was lost in some other Quileute marvels… Like Paul´s abs… And the strong line of his jaw… His sinful voice… the chills that only he could provoke.

I sighted, and sensing more than seeing that Paul wasn´t there yet, I tried to pay attention to Jacob that was shouting something to Quill and Embry.

-“Beeeellaaaaa” – Hugging me, Quill being over affectionate – “You look hot” – He declared while kissing my cheek.

-“Smoking” – Agreed Embry with a wink. I think they may have had drank or smoked something, because they were never so confident with a girl, not even with me.

-“Hey!” – Exclaimed Jake surrounding my waist with his arm and slipping “casually” the tips of a couple of his fingers in the inside of my top, sliding them on a strip of bare skin of my stomach. The damn jacket was that short. That wouldn´t have happened with my big-old-not-sexy-at-all parka – “Hands where I can see them, pervs! And you have to wait for Claire, Quil”.

-“But I´m free as a bird!” – Said Embry smiling – “Maybe we can take a walk on the bea… Ouch!” – He screamed when Jake´s fist connected with his nose. Embry recovered almost instantly and jumped to catch Jake, who ran as quickly as he could.

Quil on his part doubted for maybe a second if it was okay to leave me alone, and then made his decision and ran chasing after his friends.

I stood there shaking my head, exasperated. I hate when they make each other bleed, even if it´s just playing.

-“Bella!” – Exclaimed Emily behind me, hugging me when I turned – “You look beautiful!”

-“Thanks Emily, so do you, I like your dress” - I said honestly. Emily is gorgeous with or without the scars.

-“Thanks” – She said looking embarrassed. I bet she blushed, but I couldn´t say for sure on the light of the bonfire.

Sam came to say hello and left us quickly, because as the new regent Chief, he was the official host.

Em and I talked about unimportant stuff, enjoying the relaxed atmosphere. The wind was blowing strong and I took the elastic band of my hair to tie it into a pony tail when suddenly I sensed a prickly feeling on the base of my head and my neck. I knew who it was. Of course I knew.

I turned around and found him immediately, and my face almost split with the huge smile I gave him. I knew it wasn´t “cool” to show how glad I was to see him, but I couldn’t control it, he made me feel… Feel… Alive! I was feeling all tingly and anxious, excited and nervous, like my body wasn´t able to contain that much anticipation and nervous energy on its own.

Actually, it was more than just physical, because in a strange and inexplicable way, without even knowing him I cared deeply about him…

Our sights locked on each other and I was astounded… He looked so good that I felt compelled to lick him all over like a Popsicle. As usual he exuded that annoying confidence and sex appeal of his, and I swear that I felt the air get charged with crackling electricity in the space between us.  

As if I was hypnotized, I gave a blind step towards him, but then…

Then a bleached blonde with an hour glass body and way too much makeup went to him like he belong to her, and put her hands right on his ass!

That… That… Gigantic manwhore, that irredeemable asshole had brought a date? 

And there I was, dressing up for him, preparing myself mentally to “define our relationship” or whatever, convinced that what I had felt that day on his place was mutual…

I was paralyzed, although my most basic instincts were screaming at me to grab her by that flashy yellow mane and kick her the fuck out of La Push. Then, I´ll go to Paul and I would knee him on the nuts until they retracted and I was damn sure he could never have puppies.

Yeah, that was a plan…

But then she kissed his neck, and it hurt me so bad, that any though of retribution was forgotten. I was humiliated, yes, but this was more… It was an Edward-abandoning-me all over again kind of pain, only worst.

Was it because it made me relive that experience? Or this was another wound, a brand new one, deeper and nastier? Because at least I didn´t have to see Edward with a voluptuous-ho hanging from his neck while showing everyone who bothered to take a look what she had had for breakfast that morning, that short was that slutty scrap of fabric she used as a skirt…

Shit, he had hurt me seriously, but at least I would try to behave with some dignity, even if I was bleeding badly on the inside… How is it possible that no one has seen the wound yet? Smell the carnage… It was so evident to me…

One last effort… I would act like a lady, no matter what I really wanted to do to them, I knew better… Grandma Swan taught me manners and she would be rolling on her grave in disappointment if I created a scandal on an official Quileute ceremony… No. I wouldn´t do it. 

I half choked for the effort of containing the tears, forced my face to be expressionless, made myself walk with the head high directly to Jacob, and I sited next to him suddenly feeling very cold.

Jake put his arm over my shoulders but must have sensed me trembling, because without interrupting his conversation with Seth and Collin, he grabbed me like a rag doll and sat me on his lap.

I curled my body pressing myself against his chest and he enveloped me completely on his embrace.

Fortunately, moments later Billy called everyone to sit down and shut up, and the stories begun.

And of course, Paul and the skank sited right in front of us, like he wanted to flaunt the bitch and make sure I notice them. As if I could truly ignore them.

I tried, I really did…

Only… The thing is… I wasn’t expecting the emotional component of the legends, and by the time we got to the dead of the third wife, I simply couldn´t hide my distress anymore, and I started to cry.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Give away my heart so easily, without even realizing, just like the firs time, and get all excited for a single encounter that didn´t meant shit for him... Him, the guy with the worst reputation in hundreds of miles around… I didn´t ever hear of a single girl that had received a call from him the morning after…

Yeah, this week I paid attention to the gossip, and it happens to be a lot about him, even though he doesn´t live in Forks or go to our School.

Ugh! My chest hurt badly and I was getting cramps and nausea.

And in the meantime, My Jake was so gentle and loving, and tried to comfort me without knowing what the hell was wrong with me. I guess that´s nothing new between us, is simply how our relationship was defined.

The down side of Jacob´s love and care was that it could wreck my defenses, and I started to cry even harder. Once you start is difficult to stop, but he hold me tight… He wouldn´t let go.

Why couldn´t I love him? Because I´m a masochistic moron, that´s why.

So, as the boys started barbecuing stuff, I spoke on his ear

-“Jake, I need fresh air, can we walk on the beach for a while?” – I asked – “There´s too much people and smoke here…” - And also, I wanted to see if my muscles felt better if I stretch them.

-“Sure” – He said helping me to stand up – “This is more than the story, right? What is it? Who do I have to kill?”

It made me smile a little.

Jake and I went to the beach.

-“Bells Please!” – He exclaimed when he realized that I wasn’t in the mood for sharing.

-“Jake Please!” – I answered.

-“Tell me what is it, I need to help you” – He said half-hugging me.

-“I can´t tell you and you can´t help me. No one can… Just walk with me for a bit, Ok?”

-“Ok” – He agreed ostensibly mad.

We walked for a while in silence, when suddenly the movement between some shrubs caught my attention.

I turned my head instinctually and I saw it…

Paul on top of the blonde, her legs wide open to receive him… Yeah, a curiously similar scene to the one he and I starred on his kitchen.

-“Paul!” – I gasped.

-“Oh! Sorry for interrupt” – Said Jacob, mortified.

-“Paul!” –I repeated like an idiot, hugging myself, because I felt that I would fall into pieces any moment now.

-“Hi, I´m Claudia” – Said the girl with a smile, without even trying to move from her compromising position. Slut!

I studied her against my better judgement… She had so much make up on that it was hard to guess her real age or even if she was truly pretty or just flashy. How does she look like on the daylight? I bet that not so good. I wished she was a clingy, smelly troll in the mornings.

But then… That body could compensate a lot of other flaws…

Why I´m I doing this to myself? I asked myself.

-“Let´s go Jake… “– I whispered noting that Paul hadn´t said anything and wasn´t making eye contact either. Good, at least this wasn´t uncomfortable just for me.

-“Yeah, sure, sure…” - Jake said still hypnotized by the ho´s open legs – “See ya!” – He waved good bye.

I crumbled and cried inconsolably on the way back, so I didn´t really had to voice my need to go home and skip the party altogether.

While Jake walked me to my truck, I had to stop and vomit on a nearby tree. I felt physically sick, weak, and in pain… Seen Paul with Miss Boobs was more than I could process, and I needed to get the hell out from there.

Jacob was so worried that he drove me home, deciding that I was in no condition of operate heavy machinery. He left me on my door and left to the Reservation as a wolf, because he had to patrol later.

Once inside I went to my room and took my stuff to get a shower and shed under the water all the tears that I was capable of spill.

After an hour or so I got out, dried myself, put on an old t shirt, and went to bed.

I was exhausted, but even though I slept, I didn´t get any rest.

The nightmares wouldn´t give me a second of peace.

The nausea augmented…

I vomited again.

At some point of the night Charlie came from his night shift at the Station, and found me hugging the toilet. I think at first he thought I was drunk, because he entered the bathroom barking a couple of dry phrases, but once he realized that here was no sign of alcohol or even food poisoning (because I didn´t eat anything, thinking I would eat at the bonfire), he became much nicer and worried about my condition.

And he had reason to be concerned…

My muscles were killing me, my skin was hypersensitive, my head hurt and my chest felt oppressed, barely allowing me to breathe.

oooOooo

The next day was even worse. I couldn’t eat anything and kept throwing up the few sips of the cinnamon infusion that Charlie prepared for me just like when I was little and got tummy aches.

Charlie assumed that all it was, was a stomach flu just like the one Mike Newton got on our pseudo- date, and even though I knew that this was something else, I didn´t bother to correct him.

oooOooo

On Sunday I was agonizing and Charlie started to think this could be something else.

oooOooo

On Monday Charlie took me to the hospital.

Without Carlisle it felt like a completely different place…

Ha! I just thought about one of them without even an ounce of the typical despair that always accompanied their memory… I must be truly dying.

I was hospitalized for a day and they re-hydrated me with ORS, which I puked instantly, losing even more fluids on the process. Then they tried a nasogastric tube, but as soon as they started to pump liquid into my stomach I started to convulse, so the only alternative was to use an intravenous (IV) solution. I was so weak that I didn´t even cared about the needles.

The doctors were frustrated with my case, because I was officially healthy, without any physical reason to be unwell, except, ironically, for my sickness.

oooOooo

They sent me home on Tuesday afternoon with a good dose of Oral Rehydration Solution (ORS) and strict indications about how to use it.

I didn´t drank or ate anymore.

Thursday they hospitalized me once more.

oooOooo

Jacob and Sam came to visit me, but when I wasn´t sedated I was whimpering in pain, so I have no idea what they were saying… I guess they just wish me to get better.

oooOooo

Charlie is crying near my bed. I had never seen my father cry… I think that means the end is near.

I wanted to tell him that I´m not going to die, at least as long as they have me hooked to the tubes, but I didn´t had the energy.

oooOooo

On Sunday they tried to force feeding me with the tube to my stomach, but it didn´t go well. I vomited and vomited and vomited for hours after they removed it.

oooOooo

I think it may be Monday… The doctor told me that if I keep refusing to cooperate they will anesthetize me and keep me under until my body absorbs the nutrients.

I wanted to explain that there´s nothing I can do, that is my body who gave up… My body wants to die.

But I can´t speak, because it takes too much energy and my throat is sore.

And in the middle of all of this misery all I can think of is how I wish I could say goodbye to Paul… that treacherous bastard.

oooOooo

I think it may be Wednesday… The doctor kept his promise and they sedated me to feed me while I slept. I was out for two all days so they´ll be sure that I digested everything without vomiting again.

I have lost weight… I know because my ring is loose on my finger.

oooOooo

Thursday.

Jacob´s back. He cried by my side. We cried together.

I only know that I need Paul.

Jake, I wish I could tell you what´s going on, but I don´t want to hurt you anymore...

Fuck it! Bring me Paul!

But I´m not that brave enough…  I don´t say anything…

oooOooo

Friday.

Sam´s with me now… He´s asking for my forgiveness, but I don´t know why, I hardly know him, he hasn’t done anything wrong.

I can´t understand full phrases, between the medication and the pain I´m unable to focus long enough, so even when I catch some words I don´t have the concentration to decipher more than the general idea.

People come and go, but Charlie is always with me in the darkness, grabbing my hand… Oh, no! He´s crying again… I´m sorry dad… I´m sorry, but at this point I really want to die.

oooOooo

Tuesday.

They put me to sleep again to feed me, this time for three days. They didn´t say it, but I think they couldn´t wake me up sooner.

My ring is no longer on my finger… Did it fall?

Jake and Sam haven´t come to see me.  Maybe they know I don´t have much time… Maybe they don´t want to be around when it happens.

Hopefully it will be soon, the pain doesn´t go away with painkillers anymore.   

oooOooo

Wednesday.

Today they gave me a sponge bath. I guess I was stinking up the place.

I asked the nurse to brush my teeth, but when the toothpaste touched my mouth I couldn’t control the nausea and vomited until my mouth was bitter with bile.

I was so exhausted I didn´t had the energy to try again, so I asked the nurse to give it a try the next time I´m unconscious.

oooOooo

I don´t know when…

I´m trying to come back, but every time gets harder and harder to wake up.

Poor Charlie, he´s waiting for me… I can´t fail him, not this time.

I fight the fog that surrounds me…

Someone´s by my side. Slowly I focus on the touch of that person against my skin… A feverish hand holding mine.

Jacob! He´s back!

I have to return for Jake… Now I can hear his sobs and I can feel the humidity of his hot tears falling on my arm.

I try to move but it hurts too much.

I open my eyes, but it´s hard to focus, the dim light distorts everything.

There´s a big figure next to me, but I can´t discern his features.

And slowly my eyes get used to the brightness.

Paul.

Paul is next to me!

I try to talk, to sit, to move… But the effort is too much and I fade into the darkness again.

oooOooo

I don’t know when.

I woke up.

I dreamed that Paul was next to me.

The pain is unbearable when I realized that it was only that… just a dream.

-“Bells” – Is Charlie´s voice calling me while his hand is squeezing mine – “Bells, come back!”

-“Mmmmmh” – Is all I can muster.

-“Bella, my baby” – He weeps.  I open my eyes and everything is blurry, but I can distinguish several figures… People…

-“Da…Daad” – I groaned. My throat is so dry…

-“Bella, stay with us… I need you baby… My baby” – He begged while tears, real tears, fall into his wrinkled shirt.

-“Don´t… Cry” – I asked. Uf! I was exhausted.

-“Princess I´m so sorry” – Said a different voice… A voice that I was desperate to hear for the last few weeks.

-“Paul?” – I whispered trying to focus on the other people present, and it wasn´t hard to spot him, he was next to my bed now, opposite to Charlie.

But he was looking so different… So thin… Big dark circles under his eyes… He didn´t look much better than how I felt.

-“Whaaa… Happened?... Sick?” – I asked.

I heard a bunch of joyless laughs around the room.

-“Bells you just woke up from a deep coma and you ask if Paul is sick?” – Asked Jake half joking. Although I could tell by his aged eyes how much he had suffered during these past few days.

-“Jake… Paul… Thinner” – I said and felt like crying. Fat tears rolled down my cheeks.

-“Paul is better that you leave” – Said Charlie sounding super-pissed.

-“No!” – I stretched my fingers to him… My arm didn’t respond.

-“No!” - Growled Paul, furious – “I´m not leaving her again Charlie, I thought that I had made myself clear. Bella needs me!”

-“Bella is like this because of you” – Said Charlie grinding his teeth.

-“No fighting!” – I sobbed.

-“Bella, Princess… So sorry… Never again… Never again” – Repeated Paul over and over. He took my hand in his and fell on his knees next to me… Like on my dream… No, much better than in my dream. Was it a dream?

-“No more big-boobed-trashy-blonde ho?” – I asked, unsure.

-“No one else, never again” – He responded firmly – “I have so much to tell you, so much to compensate you for… But now I need you to do something for me…”

-“Mmmmh?” – I said.

-“I really need you to eat… A little bit…Would you? For me?” – He asked after kissing my knuckles.

 -“One condition…” - I said studying him worriedly. I didn´t liked how thin and sick he looked.

-“Anything!” – He said almost crushing my hand. It was almost painful. Almost.

-“You eat with me… Too thin…”

-“Whatever, whatever, I´m sorry…”  - He said while tears fell freely now. Why wasn´t he ashamed of crying in front of his friends? In front of my dad?

-“Shhhh…. We´re fine… Everything´s all right…” - I shushed him.

-“Shit! Stop consoling me Princess! I should be comforting you! Compensating you!” – He exclaimed sounding pissed and a little desperate.

-“Oh, and you will, boy”– Said Charlie menacingly – “Don´t doubt it”.

-“Milky Way…” - I mumbled trying to change the subject. I didn´t wanted them to fight, and if I must eat, it might as well be something that I like.

-“What?” – Asked Charlie disconcerted.

-“She want´s Milky Way, her favorite treat” – Said Jacob leaving the room. A couple of tense minutes later he returned with several bars of sweet, delicious goodness.

Meanwhile, Paul caressed my hand and my face, picking my tears with the hot pads of his fingers.

-“Do you want me to help you?” – He offered. I just assented and he put the pealed bar against my lips. I took a miniscule piece just to check if my stomach could resist it.

Mmmmmmmh… Fantastically decadent, so fucking spectacular as always… Milky Way…

-“More!” – Demanded Paul pushing the bar against my mouth. I refused shaking my head.

-“Now you” – I said. He narrowed his eyes but took a big chunk.

-“Now?” – He asked. I assented and opened my mouth to eat a little piece more.

And that´s how, slowly and together, we started the hard path to get healthy again.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Sad chapter, but there´s still hope for our couple.

I hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think.